Several Odd Things About Artemis Fowl
by toufan-goddess
Summary: Everyone knows Artemis Fowl II is a genius. Everyone also knows genii are very...eccentric. This is a collection of drabbles/short stories about our favorite mud boy and some of his quirks. A/H, featuring cameos by Holly, Foaly and others. Chapter 7: In which Artemis conducts research for his latest romance novel.
1. Wardrobe Insercurities

**Disclaimer: I do not own Artemis Fowl. Or Holly. Or Foaly. Or anyone, really.**

#1) His aversion to any clothing that is not a suit.

Captain Holly Short of the LEPrecon was currently chortling with laughter on the plush carpet of Fowl Manor.

"Honestly, Holly, this is not something to laugh about!" Artemis Fowl II snapped.

In truth, it really was something to laugh about. The mud boy wanted to go to the beach in _slacks and a polo shirt._ It was like he didn't even know the definition of casual.

Holly was on one of her few paid vacations of the year, and she wasted no time on getting a surface visa to see Artemis. She'd only been up for two days so far. After the elf expressed interest in spending time outdoors, Juliet had persuaded Fowl to take a trip to White Sands, a private beach on the coast of Ireland owned by the Fowl family. Naturally, the Jade Princess herself and Butler came along. The group was currently packing.

"Are you actually serious, Arty? You're going to wear pants to a beach?" Holly choked out.

"Yes, and I don't see the problem with my choice of attire," the ex-criminal mastermind replied frostily, "It's not like I'll be swimming anyway."

"But still! It's _way_ too hot for pants right now. Don't you own anything that doesn't belong in a business conference?" Holly exclaimed.

"That is beside the point, Holly. The point is that I will not be seen wearing any clothing as common as _swimming trunks._ I cannot even envision myself in something so…_tasteless_," said Artemis, scandalized.

But Holly could. _The mud boy has really grown up over the years, _she thought. _I should be calling him mud _man_ now. _

It was true. For all his eighteen years of age, Fowl looked like someone you would find on a Ralph Lauren ad. With his immaculate raven hair and well-defined features, you could easily consider him exceptionally handsome. He could have quite a way with the ladies, but his complete lack of tact and boorishness prevented that from happening.

Holly let out an internal chuckle at the thought the genius wearing swim trunks. Even though Butler had him started on some physical training routines (sometimes it was a bit had for the man-giant to sleep at night while Arty was off on his adventures without him), Fowl still retained a slightly scrawny build. It was not unpleasant, though.

_I am going to have to take a picture of Artemis in his swimsuit for Foaly_, thought Holly. _It would be a Christmas present come early. Not to mention great blackmail._

"Oh, come on, Arty. You can't put on suits all the time. You'd look like an idiot if you wore one to beach!" Holly groaned.

"As a matter of fact, Holly, you're correct. I don't my wear suits continuously. I generally do manage to change before I go to bed," Artemis smirked. "Nevertheless, I could never appear to look like an idiot. I'm Artemis Fowl, for heaven's sake! Not to mention that nobody would dare laugh at me with Butler behind my back."

Holly gave the ex-criminal a withering look. _And there's that lovable Artemis Fowl II ego. _

"Maybe I'll just go tell your mum," she said with an innocent face, which was slightly spoiled by the slight upturn of her lips. Holly knew this threat would work; there's nothing scarier than an angry mother. Especially to a criminal mastermind.

Artemis appeared stricken. "Very well. You win," he grumbled. He reached under his bed and pulled out a crumpled pair of gray Armani swim shorts and stuffed them into his bag.

Holly grinned. "Finally! It certainly took you long enough. I've been waiting since forever to see you in something else than those annoying suits. I'd imagine that you would look pretty good in those trunks." With that, the Captain winked at the confused mud man and bounded out of the room.

Artemis was left muttering something about 'crazy females' and _'_blasted beach'.

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**A/N: **Hello, there! This is my first work in Fanfiction...a review would be greatly appreciated. I hope to update this at least every five days, so any ideas for future chapters would be great too. Thanks for reading!


	2. A Lesson In Romance

**A/N: Thanks to all those reviewed/favorited/followed! It really means a lot to me, since this is my first fanfiction. This chapter is a bit of a treat, if you know what I'm saying ;p Much longer than the previous one.**

**By the way, I disclaim whatever belongs to Eoin Colfer.**

#2) His complete lack of tact with the ladies

If there's one thing in the world Artemis Fowl II hates most, it has to be the way Mulch Diggums smells after exiting a bathroom. Especially after he has Mexican food.

A close second would be his parents' formal gatherings.

The nineteen-year-old genius was currently at the annual "Save the Rainforest" Gala that his Mother started after Artemis' adventures in the time stream. It was really just an excuse for all of the rich and famous to show off their new possessions, and Fowl had no taste for the irritating aristocrats who came and all their phony words. In fact, the only reason he came was because Angeline threatened to bring back the jeans he got for his latest birthday- ever since he turned fifteen, she had seen fit to buy him a pair every year, but he never wore them.

Now, he was hiding around a pillar by the corner of the ballroom, trying to escape his mother's 'friends.' Artemis sighed_. What I would give to be in my study right now_, he thought. _At least I could have access to my computer there. _Butler and Juliet were also at the soiree, but Angeline hadn't let Artemis talk to them, on the pretense that 'talking to other people would develop his social skills'. Artemis had only grumbled in reply.

While sipping a bit of sparkling water, the ex-criminal contemplated the anticipated income from the gala this year. _Mother expects at least two million euros for the charity, but those imbeciles will let their pride get in the way and try to outbid each other. We are most likely to raise around four and a half million._

Suddenly, Artemis felt a presence around him. He turned and saw a young lady- perhaps his age, give or take a couple of years.

"Hello," she said with a charming smile. "You looked like you needed some company."

Inwardly, he groaned. Not this again. _No, you were bored because nobody would keep_ you_ company. _

For some reason, girls insisted on talking to the heir- why, he had no idea. Every so often, a new one would pop up and he'd have to politely deny their requests to 'get to know them'. _Perhaps this is one of Mother's plans to set me up with some snooty elitist's daughter._

"No, thank you," he said with a tight smile. "I assure you, I am completely fine by myself."

"Oh, come on. Nobody likes to be all alone," she teased, "You're Artemis Fowl, right? Your mom's throwing this gala?"

_By nobody, do you mean yourself? _"Yes, you are correct."

"Well, it's nice to meet you, Artemis. I'm Carmen Muñoz," the girl replied.

Artemis took a good look at her. Based on her name and looks, he could infer that Carmen was Latina. She was shorter than him by a few inches, tall for her age, with shoulder-length black hair and flawless tan skin. Her dress was a royal blue cocktail, and she also donned diamond jewelry to complement it. Curiously, she also had an American accent.

_All in all, another superficial beauty-fanatic. _"Likewise, Miss Muñoz," he said with a slight grimace. _Now how do I escape this one? _

Luckily for him, she didn't stay and chat for too long. After some small talk and a declined invitation to dance (_not_ given by Artemis) she left him alone. _Thank goodness. I was beginning to think she'd never leave, _he thought.

After Carmen departed, Artemis checked his watch and pulled a face. It was seven o'clock. _Four more hours of this torture to endure. _The genius sighed, plopped down on a chair, and sipped his drink.

_Oh, joy._

_._

_**LEPrecon Headquarters**_

"HOLLY!"

Captain Holly Short scowled and looked up from her paperwork. _Great. That annoying centaur decided to give me a house call, huh? _"What do you want, Foaly?" she replied wearily, massaging temple. "Can't you see that I'm busy with this blasted paperwork?" It was true- ever since Commander Trouble Kelp called in sick two days ago, Holly was loaded with all of his paperwork. Plus hers. With over twenty case files to complete, she could hardly find time to take a break.

"Frond, Holly. Don't you know how to greet people? A simple _'Hello, Foaly, how are you doing today?'_ would have sufficed," Foaly chuckled. "You're almost as bad at this as our favorite mud man is."

She gave him a withering look. "Get to the point, Foaly. You know I'm not in the mood."

The centaur rolled his eyes. "Touchy today, aren't we? Anyway, speaking of Fowl, I actually wanted you to go deliver this disk to him." He held up a shiny silver CD. "You know, it's pretty neat. It contains the prototypes for a new cam-foil design that I have-"

Before he launched into an all-out explanation, Holly interrupted him. "Alright, Foaly, I really don't care. But you want me to go right now?" she added, skeptically. "Don't I need to get a surface visa and all that?"

"Don't worry, Holly, I've gotten that all taken care of. Besides, it's about time you needed a vacation. How long have you been cooped up in here?"

"About fourteen hours. Ugh, Foaly, you're right," she agreed, mood already brightening. "I'll give him a call so he knows to expect me."

"Thanks, Holls! I knew I could count on you. Just don't forget your mud-ring," he warned. "Oh, and don't tell the kid about my disk. It's a surprise."

The mud-ring was one of Foaly's latest inventions- he could give you a full description about it and all its features, but simply put it was just a piece of jewelry that transformed elfin features into those of a human's. It made the fairy wearer's spine stretch until it was a good two feet taller and rounded its ears. He developed it about a year ago to make recon on the surface easier for the LEP, and was officially called 'IHMTD 2.5' (for 'Inconspicuous Human Feature Transforming Device 2.5') but all the recon jocks affectionately dubbed it the 'mud-ring.' It was one of Foaly's proudest achievements- the centaur would brag about it to anyone who would listen. Which was nobody. Especially after the first five hours after its release. "It sure beats Opal's silly pituary gland implant," he would say at the time, with a smug smile.

"Sure, Foaly," the elf rolled her eyes. "See you later."

After a couple more minutes of finishing up her last batch of paperwork, Holly picked up her communicator and made a call to Artemis. Surprisingly, it rang only once before he received the call- usually he only picked up after three. "To keep my callers on their toes," he would smirk.

The captain could now see Artemis' handsome face on the screen. He looked relieved for some reason. _Strange, _she thought.

"Holly! It's good to hear from you," he sighed. "Is there any particular reason you called?"

"Hey, Arty," she smiled. "And yeah, there is- I need to come up to the surface to deliver something to you."

The genius smirked. "It's Foaly's prototypes, isn't it?"

"How did _you_ know that, Fowl? Been spying on us?" The elf narrowed her eyes.

"Holly, you wound me," he lamented, "I would_ never_ do such a thing!"

"You hacked into his computers, didn't you?" Holly rolled her eyes. _I guess some people will never change._

She only got a smug smile in reply.

"So, anyway, can I come over now?"

Fowl grimaced. "I'm afraid not, Holly. Our family is hosting a _gala_," he said with distaste, "and you'll need to be disguised properly. But I do hope you could come. I am terribly bored with all these rich idiots kissing up to each other. I cannot find _any_ good company."

_So that explains the music in the background. _"Don't worry about the disguise, mud boy. I've got it covered- mud-ring, remember?" she said. "And I didn't think I could find a day when the great Artemis Fowl II was bored. Shouldn't you be off plotting to hack into the CIA's databases or something?"

Fowl displayed one of his famous vampire smiles. "I accomplished that when I was nine," he said, "and I did not fail to recall the mud-ring. I was referring to the fact that you will need to come in a dress."

"You just love making things difficult for people, don't you?"

"It is one of my many talents."

Holly scowled. "I'll see you in an hour." With that, she hung up on the infuriating mud man and sighed. _The things I do for my friends._

.

_**Outside Fowl Manor**_

It was eight-thirty by the time Holly made it to Artemis' home, and the pale-faced genius was standing outside waiting for her. _Now that's new. This has to be the first time Artemis Fowl would ever voluntarily go outside, _she thought. The Captain made her way to him.

"Holly. You're late." Fowl said casually.

"I'm sorry, _your majesty_," she replied sarcastically, "but it took me a while to find a dress that would meet your oh-so-high standards. I don't own many, you know."

Artemis smirked. "You're right, Holly, I do know. However, let's save the chat for when we get indoors."

Holly rolled her eyes and followed him in. _Frond, how much more annoying could he get?_

Once they were inside the ballroom, Artemis led her off to a secluded table in the corner of the room. "I suppose you are intending to give me the disk now." He told Holly with a pointed look.

"Oh, right," she shuffled through her pack and found the CD. "Here it is."

Artemis took the disk from her and examined it. "A human-made CD-ROM disk? I'm disappointed. Nevertheless, send my regards to Foaly." He tapped his fingers along the desk. "Now that our official business is complete, would you like to stay for the remainder of the night? It's been a while since you were last up on the surface."

The elf grinned. "Sure. I was in need of a break at work anyway."

"Oh, is that so?"

"Yeah. Trouble's out being sick, and I got dumped with his work." She looked around the room and put her arms on the table. "Pretty swanky place you got here."

"Yes, it was designed in the sixteenth century, with murals painted by-"

Holly held up a hand to stop him. "I'm not here to listen to your lectures about the fascinating history of your house, Arty. Save it for another day. Now, do you want to go dance, while we actually can?"

She was referring to the fact that, for once, Artemis was not three feet taller than her. _She looks nice as a human_, he thought absently. Fowl took the time to study her- now, at about five feet two inches, he could actually look at her without bending his head down too much.

"You look pretty tonight," he blurted out, not thinking. It was true; the simple halter-neck jade green dress and matching silver flats she was wearing well complemented her features. _She is much more stunning than the all of the plastic-surgery-obsessed people in this room._

"What?" she sputtered, surprised.

The genius blushed. "Oh, um," brushing a hand through his hair, "I just mentioned that you look wonderful this evening," he rambled. _'Um'? Since when has a word so vulgar entered my prestigious vocabulary?_

"Oh. Thank you," she said with a soft smile. "So… my offer still stands, you know. Care to dance?"

Artemis shook his head no. "I'm not one for dancing," he told her, "but you wouldn't believe how many offers I've received."

"Oh?" Holly raised an eyebrow. "Quite the ladies' man now, aren't we?"

Artemis' brow furrowed. "Excuse me? I'm afraid I don't understand what you are referring to."

"Oh, come on, Arty. No need to be modest," she grinned.

"Modest about what?" He asked, genuinely confused.

_Is he for real?_ The elf thought. _Does Artemis seriously not know why all the girls are flocking to him? Unbelievable._

She voiced the thought. "Do you seriously not know why so many girls want to dance with you?" Holly was incredulous.

"I thought I've made that quite clear, Captain," he said, beginning to get a bit frustrated, "Now would you care to share your answer to that question?"

Holly would have answered him, but as it was, she was too busy laughing. "My, my, Arty. For a genius, you sure are stupid!"

"I'm still waiting, Holly," he growled. Now he was mad. "And for the record, I've been called many things, but the word _stupid_ could never apply to me."

Once she'd calmed down, Holly replied, "Well, in this case, it does. Artemis, the reason you're being bothered by those girls is because….they_ take a fancy_ to you, if you get what I'm saying."

The nineteen-year-old genius' face turned dubious. "They fancy _me_? Why would they?"

"I don't know!" She flung her hand out, irritated at Artemis' cluelessness. "It's probably 'cause you're rich, or famous, or that you're-" She stopped just in time to manage not saying the 'best looking guy at this party'. _Holy Frond_, she thought. _Imagine if that happened. Fowl would_ never _let me live it down._

"That I'm _what_, exactly?" he inquired. The mud man was somewhat amused by Holly's sudden outburst.

"Never mind. Don't worry about it." Holly grumbled and changed the subject before he found out what she was _really_ about to say. "Anyway, I'm going to give you a lesson on how to talk to girls. You_ obviously _need it."

"And what, pray tell, makes you say that?" Artemis challenged. _I can converse with women just fine. It's only a matter if I want to or not. There is no need for Holly's silly 'lessons'. There must be some way to avoid this… _But then, an evil plan formulated in Artemis' mind- the heir found it hard to keep from grinning like the Cheshire Cat. _Now _this _will be enjoyable. _

"I just know you, Arty. This could possibly be the one thing a genius like you could ever fail to do." She replied, enthusiastic. "Now, let's get started. We could go about this two ways. One," she held up a finger, "you could play the shy and timid one who is dead romantic and buys his girlfriend jewelry. You know, the 'good guy' types. Or two," she held up another finger, "you could have the bad boy persona- the tall, dark, and mysterious one that sweeps her off her feet. Mister-Darcy-esque. Girls love that." She looked at him. "So which one is it?" she asked, quite seriously.

If Artemis hadn't been so skilled in keeping his emotions intact, he'd most likely be rolling on the floor laughing at how solemnly she was taking this. Instead, he managed to keep a poker face. "Which category would _you_ presume to put me in?" he replied, raising an eyebrow.

Holly was thoughtful. "I don't know," she said. "I could _never _see you as shy and submissive… but you're too polite to be a bad boy. I'd have to go with the second one, though. You are tall and dark, so that's good."

"Not mysterious?" He said with a smug smile on his face. _I would think disappearing for three years would count as mysterious._

"Well, maybe to some mud maids. But not to me. So, anyway," she said, "now that we've got that settled, on to the first step. Pretend I'm a girl that you see really like. Now how would you go and talk to me?"

Artemis played along. _Time to put my plan into action, _he thought. Inwardly, Fowl smirked. _Let's see how Holly feels after this._ "Very well, then, Holly. Go stand over there, if you please." He pointed to an area in the ballroom a couple feet away from their table where nobody stood.

She shrugged and moved. "Sure."

Once Holly was in place and facing away from him, Artemis plucked a flower from the table's centerpiece and made his way over to her. With a roguish grin, he advanced toward her until they were only a foot apart and held the flower out to her.

"Hello, Miss Short," he said suavely, "Would you care to dance?"

Holly looked as if she was a deer caught in headlights, with her eyes wide open and her mouth gaping. _Holy Frond, _she thought, _I had no idea he was this good. _Her stomach fluttered like a million butterflies were being unleashed; Fowl was so charming! _Focus, girlie, _she berated herself, _it doesn't matter that he has the most beautiful eyes, or that his smile makes me swoon. He's still a human, and he's doing this on purpose! And that suit does NOT make him look dashing!_

"U-um, yes- uh, you're doing good, Fowl," she choked out, not fully composed yet.

His wicked grin grew wider at this and he proceeded toward her. "Why, thank you, Holly," he said, lowering the flower, "would you be so bold as to tell me the next step? Or shall I take matters into my own hands, seeing as you're temporarily paralyzed at this moment?" He said innocently.

"A-Artemis! You can't do this!" she said, _very_ flustered. _D'arvitting Fowl, you D'arvitting stupid mud whelp, I hate you so much, I am going to kill you five times once I get out of this…_

Throwing the flower onto the nearest table, he got even closer to Holly until she hit the wall and only about six inches separated them. "Do what, Holly? I'm only following your instructions. I thought you wanted me to charm you?" He put his hands on the wall beside her head and brought his mouth up to her ear.

"Am I doing well?" he breathed.

Holly could only sputter. "I-um, uh…yeah," she gasped.

"Well, why don't we make it even better, hmm?" Then, Artemis turned his face to directly meet her own.

And he closed the two inch gap and kissed her.

_Mission Accomplished._

**A/N: Well, that's it for today! Hopefully it wasn't too rushed or anything. If you didn't get it, Artemis fails at **_**knowing**_** when girls are into him, not how to talk to them. He proved this to Holly by, you know…charming her. Oh, and if you were wondering, Carmen is NOT a self-insert. Not that there's anything wrong with her- she seems to me to be a very sweet person. It's just that Arty is a little too hard to handle.**

**Anyhow, please review! Hope you enjoyed!**


	3. A Physical Problem

**A/N: Thank you so much for all the reviews, everybody! I'm really happy that so many of you like my work :) Also to those who favorited/followed. Hopefully you'll enjoy this chapter…it brings the return of a very **_**sweet**_** friend. And Arty and Holly do make an awesome couple!**

**On another note, I finally made a cover for this story. I'm sorry I had to inflict upon you my horrible drawing skills ;_; I had no idea what to draw. Any other suggestions?**

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3) Artemis fails at physical activity. Period.

"Humph!"

Artemis Fowl, ex-criminal mastermind extraordinaire, was currently lying face down on the floor, wheezing. And Holly Short, LEP Captain, was currently standing in front of him, not in the least bit concerned.

"Again!" She yelled, cracking her knuckles. "You're not going to build any muscles by lazing around like a little girl! I want twenty more push-ups, right now!"

Holly was in her mode: the drill sergeant slash no-nonsense attitude of a police officer made her the perfect candidate for her latest mission. It began seven days ago, when an exasperated Butler came to her all but crying for help. A lesser person probably would have, but we all know that Butler is, well, a Butler. And a Butler does _not _cry.

However, any amount of macho-Butler-manliness could not solve _this_ problem: training Artemis in the ways of the physical arts. Our dear old Arty was too much for him, so he came to Holly for a different approach, and asked her to take a shot with him. The elf agreed, very much ready to see Artemis attempt to do any kind of physical activity. And not to mention fail at it.

So here we are now, with our two favorite heroes and a week's worth of sweaty clothes.

"Holly! Why this cruel punishment?" Artemis panted and sat up, somehow still managing to look dignified in his drenched tracksuit. "I am not engaging in this unnecessary torture." He crossed his arms and gave her a superior look.

"Oh, yes you are, mud boy," she growled. "Now drop and give me twenty!"

He narrowed his eyes. "I'll do three."

"No. You're doing twenty."

"Five?"

"Ten."

Artemis pondered this over, and then accepted the offer. "Deal. Ten push-ups. Now what will you give me in return?" He asked, showing a hint of an incisor in his smile.

"Give you? I'm giving you nothing! This is for your own good, mud boy." She replied, indignant.

Artemis had an innocent look on his face. "Oh, really? I seem to think you enjoy putting me through all these useless ordeals."

"Of course not! How could you think such a thing?"

Artemis gave her a patented _Do-you-even-know-what-you're-saying? _look.

"Okay, maybe I do. But that doesn't have anything to do with you not doing ten push-ups," said Holly, stern.

Artemis shook his head. "I will not participate in any activity without a form of compensation."

"Compensation? Like what?" Holly sneered._ Will this stupid mud boy ever change? It's always manipulation and money with him. _

After she said this, Holly could see the gears turning in the genius' head. His face broke out into another of his vampire smiles, and the elf was seriously regretting asking him the question.

"I was hoping you would ask, Holly. I only require one thing. I'm sure it wouldn't trouble you at all, seeing as you have already given me one."

Holly gulped. _This cannot be good._

"You see, Holly, I require a kiss." With that, the mud boy's smirk grew even more pronounced.

"Are you serious, Artemis? A kiss?" she blanched.

To be honest, the elfin Captain was not sure where she stood on this. Artemis and Holly had shared a couple of kisses, and she felt a growing attraction to the genius. Since then, Artemis had openly flirted with her and showed genuine care towards her. But of course, Holly was reminded of the one main problem between them every time she saw him: their species.

This was the first time the mud man had been so forward with her, and she was tempted to grant his wish- but Holly had never gotten him back for the time at the ball when he kissed her, so she decided to retaliate.

"Yes. Right here." He said, pointing to his upturned lips.

She crossed her arms and smiled sweetly. "I have a better idea. Do the ten push-ups and I'll give you a treat. One that you'll like even more than a kiss."

"A treat? Really, Holly, I'm not three anymore. What are you referring to?" He rolled his eyes.

"I can't tell you, Artemis. It's a surprise." The elf smirked. "But I can tell you that it's something I should have given you a long time ago."

Naturally, as a genius, Fowl's curiosity was piqued, and he would stop at nothing to find out what this 'surprise' was. Even more because of the admission that he should have received it before.

With a raised eyebrow, he consented and dropped to the floor to start the ten push-ups. After two minutes, a multitude of grunts and swears, and proof of Artemis' earlier claim of no upper body strength, he finished and collapsed to the floor.

"So," he gasped, "Where is my surprise?"

Holly was all innocence and sweet smiles. _Time for a little payback. _"I don't know if I should give it to you, Arty…that was terrible. Ten push-ups are supposed to take twenty seconds, not two minutes."

Artemis glowered at her. "I did not do ten push-ups in vain."

"Of course, mud man, you're right. You did try, and as your physical trainer, I believe in the powers of positive reinforcement. Let me go get it." This might have been a very kind thing to say, but the smirk on her face kind of took that appeal away.

Holly reached into her pack (complete with towels, water bottles, and a whistle) and pulled out something that Artemis thought he would never see in a lifetime. It was red, covered in clear plastic, and had a stick poking out from the bottom.

Artemis' eyes bulged and his jaw dropped open.

_A lollipop._

The elf bounded over to him and stuck it in his hand. "Here you go," she said, grinning like a loon, "your reward. You've been a good boy lately."

_So this is what she meant by 'something I should have been given a long time ago." I can't believe she still remembers, _he thought. _That was one of the most embarrassing times of my life!_

"You remember," he said slowly.

"Yup!" She replied, still grinning.

"I only have one question, Holly… why do you have lollipops in your pack?"

Holly's only reply was a vampire smirk.

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**A/N: And that's a wrap! The ending's not too good, I'm afraid. On the other hand, review away! I'd like all your feedback. Ideas/requests for future chapters are great too. I'm planning for about ten chapters. Thanks in advance!**


	4. The Miracle Cure

**A/N: Okay, so once I was checking out how many views I had for this story, and the meter said 1337, which made me smirk. Heh. Now you can see how much of a nerd I am, if you get what I'm talking about. Anyway, thanks for all the favorites/follows/reviews! I never knew I would be this popular, especially for a story so young :) I appreciate you guys so much, and I'm taking your story prompts into consideration. I'd love to hear more!**

**Uploaded: Aug 11 2012**

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4) Artemis the Doctor

"Artemis! Open up!"

Holly pounded on the genius' door impatiently. She had been waiting for five minutes outside his room to see him, and still he didn't let her enter. _That stupid mud boy,_ she thought. _What's he doing in there that's so important that he can't even talk to his best friend?_

After another five minutes and the door's hinges in a horrible state, Artemis finally opened his door. His face was in a set in a horrible scowl and you could tell by his messed up hair and the circles under his eyes that he was deep in work; the mud man had not taken a break from whatever he was doing in several hours.

"What do you want, Holly?" He said, miffed. "Could you not infer by my avoidance to answer your knocking that I was busy?"

"Well, if you bothered to open the door and tell me that, maybe I would!" She gave a scathing reply. "What are you so busy with anyway?" Holly was actually a bit curious- she had never seen the normally immaculate Artemis Fowl in such a disheveled state (aside from the many times when they were saving the world).

He crossed his arms. "A cure for cancer," he answered in a perfect deadpan.

Holly narrowed her eyes. "I didn't think you were one for jokes, Arty." She was slightly mad at Artemis for ignoring her, for he had never done this before. _Whatever that's keeping him must be really significant if he's acting like this, _the elf thought.

In fact, it seemed like the whole Fowl Manor was out of spirits today. Juliet, usually bright and cheery, had greeted her with a halfhearted smile when she arrived instead of her usual mammoth hugs and loud squeals. The wrestler had told Holly that Artemis' parents and brothers had gone out for the day, leaving only the Butler siblings and Artemis in the huge mansion. Curiously, though, she hadn't seen Butler himself anywhere. The whole place gave out a very somber aura.

"You're correct, Holly. I'm not jesting. My previous statement was completely serious." He replied. He glanced at his Cartier watch and grimaced. "I am sorry, but my business is imperative. I will contact you another time."

The mud man moved to close the door, but Holly took action and stopped it with her foot. "Wait, Artemis! What do you mean by 'my previous statement was completely serious'? Are you seriously going to create a cure for cancer?" Holly exclaimed. She was very confused- what brought on Artemis' sudden desire to create a miracle cure? The elf watched as he sighed and ran his hands through his hair, making it stick up like a mad scientist's.

_This must be what's making him so exhausted_, she thought. _Brilliant mud men have tried for decades to do the very same thing, but haven't completely succeeded. Sure, they have chemotherapy and all that jazz, but it doesn't always work. But I suppose if anyone can do it, it would be Arty._

"I am under a great deal of stress, Holly. I would very much appreciate it if you would come back later," he said, giving her a pointed look.

Holly narrowed her eyes. "Artemis," she pressed, "tell me what's going on. Now." Then, the elf softened up, giving Fowl a sympathetic look. "Why all these secrets, Arty? I'm your best friend. I can help you."

Artemis returned her expression, his face softening so that it looked downcast. He slowly opened the door and led her into the room, whose state currently mirrored that of the genius himself- untidy and jumbled up. Books were tossed around all over the place and stacked up in corners of his room, test tubes were rolling on the floor, and crumpled notes overflowed the top of his desk and trashcan. "Take a seat," he said weakly, "If you can find one."

Holly gingerly peeled off a rumpled Gucci suit jacket from Artemis' four-poster bed and rested on the mattress. Fowl sat on his desk chair, turned to face her and slouched in his seat with his head down- he was the very picture of desperation and defeat. The LEP Captain wanted to do nothing else except cradle his face in her hands and ask him what the matter was.

"I suppose this is the only time I've ever seen you act like a teenage boy," she joked, trying to lighten the mood. "With the whole messyroom and slouchy posture thing." She waved a hand around the area to get her point across.

Fowl looked up, straight into her eyes. His mismatched gaze disconcerted Holly- it was like he could see into her soul. _I'm surprised he doesn't use contacts,_ she thought. _Well, maybe not. Artemis likes to intimidate people. I'm sure it comes in handy at business meetings._

"I'm afraid that's true." He heaved a sigh and stood up. "A terrible tragedy has ensued, Holly. My faithful Butler has fallen ill."

Holly felt a sinking feeling go through her. _So that's why Juliet and Arty are so down. _But then, another thought occurred to her: Artemis said he was finding a cure for _cancer._

The elf shot up from her seat. "Butler has_ cancer? _How? When? Why?" She ran over to him and hugged his chest, trying to provide some comfort to the desolate boy. _Frond. I never thought this could happen to someone as fit as Butler. Poor Artemis, he must feel so bad. Butler was the only friend he'd had for a long time. _"Oh, Arty, what will you do?" She looked up at him, sympathy radiating from her face.

Artemis didn't react to her sudden embrace. "I will do whatever must be done," he said, steeling himself. "By combining fairy and human technologies, I believe I can find the cure for this despicable disease."

"I'll talk to Foaly, if you want. I can see if he knows anything about cancer- although I don't think he will. The People don't get cancer," Holly said.

Artemis sighed for the umpteenth time since her visit. "I know, Holly. I've already checked his files and the medical records at Doctor Argon's clinic, and I didn't find anything on mud man cancer. But there is a fairy ailment called Aspen's Sarcoma, correct?"

"Yeah, so?" She said, flopping back on the mattress. "What does that have to do with cancer?"

Artemis joined her on the bed, sitting with his legs crossed. "Well," he started, "Cancer is caused by the development of tumorous cells and wanton cell growth. These cells tend to invade the body and spread to other distant parts using the bloodstream. According to several fairy medical journals, Aspen's Sarcoma is almost completely similar to cancer in which the infected cells extend the disease throughout the body. I plan to treat Butler's cancer using medicines based on the fairies' cures for Aspen's Sarcoma."

Holly pondered this over. "I guess it could work." She put a hand on his shoulder and smiled. "I knew you could do it, Arty."

Artemis gave her a feeble half-smile. "I know, Holly. But this is too risky. I have no idea what kind of effect the nano-wafers used in the cure will have on the human body, and I don't want to unintentionally damage Butler even more."

Holly looked into his eyes. She had never seen Artemis so desolate, even when his mother contracted Spelltropy. He was so confident about the cure last time- but this new idea was completely unfamiliar with any human, never tested. And Butler- she felt so horrible for him!

_Why must the good ones have the bad fate?_

"Artemis," she said, smoothing out his messy hair, "Have your plans ever failed before?"

A part of his old self returned to him and he sat up a bit straighter. "No, of course not."

"What makes you think this one will?" Holly asked. She felt deeply for her friend and wanted to comfort him in any way she could. "I know you, Arty. You're not a genius for nothing."

"It's just….Holly, if I do fail this time, I could kill him!" Artemis threw his hands up in the air, desperate. The poor boy had been working for a way to try to modify the cure nonstop since the past day's morning. He couldn't even imagine a world without Butler- nobody knew Artemis as well as he did. _This _was his life's project, the genius thought. Curing cancer so no person would have to suffer or watch someone else suffer.

"You won't fail, Artemis!" she pressed. "Butler will pass on anyway even if you don't cure him! What harm could this do?"

Artemis took Holly's hands in his. "Thank you for trying to console me, Holly, but I still don't think I can do this."

Holly couldn't stand to see her best friend give up. How many times had he saved her life? He never gave up then. She would do anything to get him back on track, to bring him to his invincible genius mode.

"Well, Artemis," she said, "I do believe that's the first time you've ever been wrong in your life. Think about Butler. He would want you to do this. Take a chance, Arty."

"I can't gamble with Butler's life, you know." His tone was reluctant. _But she's right, _he thought. _Butler would want me to try the cure. Even with the consequences. _

"Butler will not die," she pressed, squeezing his hands. "Butler will not die, and I will be there every step of the way."

Artemis smiled. Sometimes, the genius wondered what he'd done to get such honest, caring friends like Holly. Hopefully even more than friends.

"I know you will, Holly. You're my best friend," he murmured. "You are right. I will try the cure."

"Great!" Holly hugged him hard. "I'm so glad, Arty, Butler will be better in no time," she said into his chest. The elf could feel a slight blush coming under her skin. She'd never actually hugged him this way before, sitting on the bed with her arms around his neck and torso pressed against his. _This feels nice, _she thought.

The mud boy slipped his arms around her waist and pulled her closer until he could look down at her face. He beamed at her; a genuine smile, not a vampire grin. "Thank you, Holly," he said, eyes twinkling, "I know I can do it with your support."

She had a mischevious expression on her face. "Don't ever doubt it," she said.

And then the elf kissed the mud man.

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**A/N: Well, that's it for today! And yes, there was a quote from **_**Atlantis Complex **_**in this little episode. For some reason, I feel my writing style changes just a little each time I devise one of these stories. I don't know if you guys can see it. Anyway, I wanted to try a different mood this time…hopefully I kept everybody in character. **

**Please review/send suggestions for future chapters, thanks!**


	5. Sandwich Sorrows

**A/N: : Didn't get many reviews in last time! Oh well, thank you very much to those who did, and also the ones who favorite/followed. I'm really happy with the amount of hits this story is getting- 2,200 so far. Thanks for reading, everyone! Inspiration for this came from a reviewer- forgot the user, sorry- hope you enjoy! **

**Disclaimer: Don't own.**

**Uploaded: Aug 16 2012**

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6) Cooking

It started out as a normal day- birds chirping, wind blowing, brothers burping. It almost was a normal day, too. But somehow that day became a momentous occasion for Artemis Fowl II- the day he learned to cook. And at the age of nineteen, Artemis barely ever learned _anything._

It began when he gave the Butlers a day off. After much questioning and pointed stares by Domovoi Butler ("Are you sure nothing will be blown up today?" "Yes, of course, Butler. That would be very immature." "Absolutely sure?") and hugging from Juliet Butler ("Thanks, Arty! It's about time, you know. I've _got_ to check out the new season's clothes at Abercrombie and Hollister at the mall today.") he finally had the house to himself.

At first, he thought the privacy would benefit him and get his work done faster- it did, but after that, he had nothing else to do. Usually writing up another twenty-page thesis on quantum mechanics and shutting down an illegal toilet-cleaner company took him longer than six hours total, but he finished both in about four today. He briefly considered penning another of Violet Tsirblou's famous romance novels. _No, I released three in the past month,_ he thought._ The publishers might start to get suspicious. _

After another thirty minutes of twiddling his thumbs (except in a very dignified manner), he heard a strange grumbling noise come from him. Once he glanced around, the genius realized that it must be his stomach. _Whenever Butler's around, I am never hungry. Therefore I never made this infernal noise. Thank goodness nobody else is here- that would have been deathly embarrassing. _

Artemis checked his watch. It was one o'clock- lunch time. _I shall have to go and make myself a meal for the first time in my life, _he decided._ How hard can that be?_

* * *

It was very hard.

Very, _very_ hard.

After judging that a sandwich would be the most painless process, it had taken the genius all of fifteen minutes just to _find the bread. _And then it took him another five just to procure up a knife to cut the loaf of ciabatta bread apart.

When he couldn't locate the tomatoes and cheese, he all but declared it a lost cause. "Where do people put a piece of blasted Swiss cheese?" he groaned. _Unbelievable. Mafia, bounty hunters and goblins couldn't defeat me, but the challenge of making a sandwich can?_

_I will not give up. I am Artemis Fowl. _Steeling his nerves, he went to search another pantry. But, as he reached for the handle, Artemis felt a buzzing sensation near him. It was only one of two things- after glancing down to check his stomach, he deduced that it was actually a fairy trying to unshield. A fairy called Holly Short.

"What do you think you're doing, mud man?" she said, displaying a wide grin.

Artemis scowled. _Now Holly's here to make fun of me. Joy._ Disregarding her question, he asked her one of his own: "How long have you been here, Holly?"

"Wow, Arty. You sure know how to greet a girl. You sound like you've been caught in your mum's panty drawer or something." She folded her arms. "About thirty minutes."

Fighting off a blush from her embarrassing analogy, he said calmly, "And why didn't you consider unshielding earlier?" _She's even heard my stomach grumble earlier!_

"It was too much fun watching you fail at something for once. And for the record, 'blasted Swiss cheese' goes in the fridge, _not _the pantry." If it was possible for her grin to get wider, it did.

_This is absolutely mortifying. Still, I cannot let her know my emotions. _"I knew that," he said smoothly. "I was looking for the…ketchup." If Artemis was not raised in the elite status, he probably would have let out a string of curses by now. _This embarrassment is not worth stifling my hunger._

"Sure, Artemis." Suddenly, Holly's expression seemed pitying. "You've never made a sandwich in your life, have you?"

The mud man gave a sheepish grin. "No," he admitted. "Will you help me?" He figured he might as well be truthful, considering he had no idea what he was doing. _Pride is a sin, after all. _Artemis almost snorted. _But_ _I think it's a little too late to control my ego._

"Alrighty, then," the elf rubbed her hands together. "Let's get started!"

* * *

Artemis stared at the pile on his plate. It was a mound full of mayonnaise, anchovies, four types of cheese, a substance that looked mysteriously like burnt ham, hot sauce, lettuce and other questionable items. Not in the least delectable to his Cordon Bleu tastes.

"I thought you knew how to cook," he accused Holly.

"I do! This is a genuine McSpud burger! You can't get better than this in Haven." She replied, nodding to prove her point.

"Well then, go ahead and taste it." He folded his arms and gave the elf a pointed glare. _I don't even know how people eat these monstrosities. It's disgusting, like all fast food._

Narrowing her eyes, Holly replied, "You know what? I will. It's going to be delicious. And you're not going to get any of it."

He snorted. "I don't want any of it. It seems you've unleashed your inner Mulch." Artemis watched her shoot him a glare before taking a big bite. Judging by her face, the sandwich looked…revolting. Her mouth twisted into a grimace, which she tried to hide, to no avail.

"Yum," Holly choked out unconvincingly. "Really hits the spot."

Artemis displayed one of his patented vampire grins. "By all means, continue. I'll make myself another sandwich." _This whole debacle is probably the most amusing thing I've ever seen, _he thought. _Well, aside from when the time Mulch walked into a perfume store. The customers all but ran away._

All of a sudden, Holly got a strange glint in her eye. "No," she stood up, "I think it needs more mustard."

And there and then, Artemis probably experienced the most undignified event in his whole history. Nothing could be worse than this, not even a punch in the nose.

The elf took the mustard bottle and squeezed it all over him.

_He, _Artemis Fowl II, billionaire juvenile genius, had mustard on his body. _Mustard._

"Holly," he seethed, "What have you done?"

She actually had the audacity to wink at him. "Satisfied my appetite."

But the mud man had to get back at her. He was Artemis Fowl, after all; his middle name was practically revenge. He'd show the elf what happened when you mess with this teenage genius.

Fowl stepped closer to her and gave a tight smile. "Oh, no. I think you could use some more mustard." With that, he wrapped his arms around her and rubbed his face into her hair, spreading the yellow condiment onto her body. She was trapped in a giant hug.

"Artemis! Get _off!"_ she shrieked, blushing at the contact.

"No, I'm fine right here," he mumbled. Inwardly, the genius was thrilled- oh, how he loved to embarrass Holly!

After a couple more minutes of struggling, the elf managed to detach herself from the triumphant ex-criminal.

"Holy Frond, Fowl! What was that for?" she yelled.

Artemis was the picture of innocence. Well, about as innocent as you could get with mustard covering your face and body.

"Haven't I told you? You needed more mustard."

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**A/N: Thanks for reading! Future updates might be coming slower, school is starting soon. I very much value reviews and suggestions!**


	6. Twin Terrors

**A/N: Sorry for the late-ish update! School started...I'm getting busy. Anyway, thanks to those who reviewed. Not many that time. Please keep on reviewing! :) **

**Disclaimer: I don't own.**

**Uploaded: Aug 21 2012**

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5) Surprisingly tendencies toward his brothers

"Holly, calm down."

Artemis Fowl II smirked and looked down at the distressed elf. "Honestly, I wouldn't think a hardened LEPrecon Captain who faced down goblins would become so agitated at the prospect of meeting a pair of six-year-old twins."

Captain Short's eyes shot daggers at him. "I don't get an opportunity to talk to children on a daily basis like you, you know," she crossed her arms and sunk deeper into her seat. "What if your brothers hate me?"

Fowl rolled his eyes. "They're six, Holly. I doubt they hate anyone but the boogeyman." He extended her a hand to help her up from the seat. "Now come on. I imagine the little devils are in their playroom. I booked reservations at the local café for all of us to have lunch, so let us go and receive them."

Taking the offered hand, Holly rose and followed him out of his bedroom. She had come to Fowl Manor for her holiday break, for it was one of those times when the Council gave the LEP an official holiday. The occasion was Frond Day, a celebration that occurred every five years in honor of the People's first king, Frond. Holly got five days of leave, and she came up on the surface to spend it with the Fowls and the Butlers. The only part of the family she hadn't met were Artemis' brothers.

"Fine. But who reserves tables at cafés, anyway? I thought you were supposed to do that for fancy-pants restaurants," she grumbled.

He gave a small smirk. "Apparently, only I do. It seems they hadn't received a reservation in ages. But I suppose that's to be expected if you wish to dine at a three-star restaurant in downtown Dublin." He led her down the stairs and through the hallways until they reached a large door.

Holly narrowed her eyes. "How did you know I brought my mud-ring with me? If I didn't, I would be seen as an elf. I couldn't go to lunch with you guys."

Before opening the door to the boys' playroom, he answered her question. "I am a genius, Holly," he said with a certain degree of smugness.

The said elf just put her hands on her hips and rolled her eyes. _Of course. That's the answer to everything with you, isn't it, Artemis?_ "Whatever. Now open the door, slow-poke," she said out loud.

Artemis looked scandalized. "'Slow-poke?'" He turned away from her and twisted the door's handle. As they looked inside, the two companions saw a cluttered room full of toys, stuffed animals and test tubes filled with mysterious substances. But the room was strangely devoid of all life forms- namely, Myles and Beckett.

With narrowed eyes and pursed lips, the genius scrutinized the room for his brothers. They were nowhere to be found. _The boys are probably just playing their little games again, _he thought, rolling his eyes.

"Myles? Beckett?" he called warily. "Come out, please."

Unfortunately, Fowl was right. The boys _were_ playing one of their games. As soon as the genius finished his sentence, two six-year-olds barreled out of the closet, shooting marshmallows out of a plastic gun.

"Surrender!" one of them yelled.

"Boys! What are you doing?" Artemis said, ducking out of the way. "We have a guest! Behave!"

"We will never back down!" the boy replied, still launching the sugary projectiles. The other was making _pyew- pyew _sound effects and had a bandana wrapped around his tiny forehead.

But Holly, however inexperienced with children as she was, could handle this. After all, police officers _did _get trained on what do when attacked. Perhaps not with marshmallow guns, but a gun is a gun, after all.

_They're six. The best way to solve this is to play along._

"Alright, boys!" she yelled. "We give up. You can take us alive." The fairy dropped to her knees and held her hands in the air, like a criminal.

Amazingly, the twins hadn't noticed the three-foot-tall elf up until now. They dropped their guns in amazement.

"Who're you?" the boy with the bandana asked, eyes wide in wonder.

"Beckett. _Behave," _Artemis scolded. "Holly here is a friend of mine. She will be having lunch with us."

The other boy, Myles, was astonished. "_This _is Holly? The girl you talk about so much? But why is she so…short?"

Holly herself answered the question. "Yes, Myles, I'm Holly. The reason I'm so short is because I'm a-" she pretended to look around, "-fairy. But you can't tell anyone," finished the elf in a surreptitious whisper.

She then turned to Artemis and wore a smug smile, not unlike one of his own. "So you talk about me, eh?" she asked nonchalantly, bumping her shoulder against him.

The mud man faintly blushed and almost replied, but Myles rolled his eyes and said, "Well, of course you're a fairy. Arty told us about that. But aren't fairies supposed to be three-and-a-half feet tall, not just three? Can I do 'speriments on you?"

Holly could barely resist raising her eyebrows. _Well, we all know who that one turned out to be like._

"No, Myles, you may not do experiments on Holly. Are you boys done with questions yet? May we leave now?" Artemis replied, exasperated. He turned to Holly with an almost apologetic look in his eyes, like he was trying to tell her that he was sorry about their behavior.

Beckett, who had been strangely quiet during the whole exchange, had to get in one last question: "Is she your girlfriend? 'Cause mum thinks you like her."

Artemis, ever the genius, did right then and there what could be considered a face-palm. "_No_, Beckett, she is _not my girlfriend_," he gritted out of his teeth. "We are leaving right now, boys!" He grabbed one of each boy's tiny wrists and dragged them out of the room.

With an amused smile, the elf followed them out. _Well, it looks like they like me well enough,_ Holly thought. _Poor Artemis. I'm glad I don't deal with kids._

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**A/N: So that's it. I wanted to get the twins in here somewhere. This one's not to great, I'm afraid, but I wanted to update. The next one's gonna be _awesome, _I promise. Expect it in a week or so. Thanks, and keep on reviewing/favoriting/following! Future chapter suggestions are awesome too. :)**


	7. A Novel Experience

**A/N: I am so, so sorry for the long wait- almost two weeks, I know. Unfortunalty, my school has high expectations on coursework and it's been getting harder for me to write. But here it is! Hope you enjoy, and thank you for all your reviews/favorites/follows last chapter. I'm sorry that I couldn't reply to any :( Just a reminder: these one-shots are not connected.**

**Uploaded: Sept 2 2012**

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7) Geniuses Tend to be Annoyingly Perceptive

Holly Short tapped her fingers on the armrests of her elf-sized chair. Sighing, she checked her watch for what was possibly the fifth time in about ten minutes.

_Where is that d'Arvitting mud man?_

The Captain was presently at Fowl Manor, waiting for Artemis. He had requested Holly to come to the Manor to conduct some 'interview' on her. About what, she had no idea. _Frond, it better not be something stupid, like how many calories are in a nettle smoothie. I've been waiting here for thirty minutes._

Just when she was about to stomp out of his study and go downstairs, the door opened and a sheepish Artemis came in. He was carrying a recording device, clipboard, and an undoubtedly expensive pen.

"Ah, Holly, I see you're still here. I'm sorry I had to keep you waiting. Mother wanted some help with the finances," he explained.

The elf narrowed her eyes at him. "You got lucky, bub. I was just about to find you. So what's this interview about?"

Artemis sat himself down at a desk in front of her and arranged his materials on top of it. Steepling his fingers, he replied, "Well, you might be familiar with the fact that I write romance novels with the _nom de plume_ Violet Tsirblou. This is to produce extra revenue in a more, ah, _legal_ way."

Holly nodded. "Yeah. So?" Oh, she knew alright. Foaly had a stack of them hidden behind his processors. She pretended not to notice. _I wonder what Arty would say if he found out. Wait, is this what the interview's about? _

Before she could ask him that, Artemis continued speaking. "Typically, I write my works with an archetypal 'damsel in distress' heroine. But my so-called _publishers_," he said distastefully, "suggested a different theme. According to some polls, women seem to find the 'action girl' types more enjoyable to read."

Holly nodded. "Continue."

"As stated before, I've only written one type of female lead. A new character brings a new set of problems: mainly, finding a love interest for her. I am afraid to admit that I really do not have any idea what type of men that a more dynamic character would be interested in."

"And _what_ does this have to do with me?"

Fowl smirked. "I figured the best way to get into an action girl's mind is to ask one itself."

Holly's eye twitched. "_Excuse_ me?"

He kept smiling at her. "You do, after all, have a very exuberant personality."

"Let me get this straight. You want to interview me on my romantic interests," she said slowly, "To collect research for a book. I'm not some fictional character, Artemis."

Fowl spread his hands. "Come on, Holly. I need your help. I thought you wanted me to become legal." He gave her an earnest look- earnest as far as Artemis Fowl could get.

"Well, yeah, but I'm not going to let you put me in some stupid romance novel!"

"Technically, I wouldn't be inserting you in. I'd just base a character on your emotions and attributes."

Holly glared at him. _What does he think I am, some kind of test subject?_

"What about Juliet? She's macho enough," she reasoned.

Artemis shook his head no. "Juliet is a bit too 'girly'. While she does have excellent combat skills, the rest of her resembles an overly energetic teenage girl. Besides, you're already here. You ought to stay and enjoy your time on the surface."

The elfin Captain sighed. _I guess he's right. I might as well suffer though his D'arvitting interview, since I'm already here. It couldn't hurt too much._

"Fine," she conceded, giving him a pointed look, "but no personal questions."

Artemis nodded. "You have my word."

Holly almost snorted. "Oh, yes. Artemis Fowl's word. A very valuable thing we've got here, hmm?"

The genius ignored her barb. "First things first. There are three components you will be surveyed on: physical aesthetics, personality traits, and other talents. You will inform me what your 'dream man' would have in each category. Remember, this is for research purposes."

_Research purposes, my bum. _Holly highly doubted that was the case. He was most likely doing for his own twisted reasons.

"So you basically want me to tell you what I think is hot in a guy."

Artemis rolled his eyes. "If you wanted to put it in more vulgar terms, then yes." He shuffled around his desk and grabbed the recording device, then clicked it. A beep sounded.

"First question: What physical attributes do you find attractive in a man?"

Holly leaned back in her chair and crossed her arms. She was still a bit miffed about being pulled into this. _Stupid mud man, _she thought. _Manipulative little prick._

The elfin Captain thought about his question. What _would_ her ideal man look like? She'd never really thought about it before- yes, she was female, but usually Holly was too busy to think about such trivial things. That was left best to people like Lili Frond, she thought. Obviously, she was never able to fantasize about what kind of hair he'd have, or what color eyes, but she supposed there was a man for every type of girl. Even the tough, loose-cannon-cop ones like her.

"I'm not really sure," she said aloud, "I never actually thought about it."

Artemis tilted his head. "Interesting," he muttered. "Studies and common sense show that most women seem to prefer good-looking men over plain ones. Are you telling me that it does not matter what one looks like to be a potential love interest?"

He seemed oddly engrossed in that. Holly swore she saw a slight bit of excitement in his eyes, but it was gone as soon as it came.

The fairy shrugged. "I don't know. Like I said, I never really thought that type of thing. Still, I guess there has to be something I find attractive in men…" she said thoughtfully.

The twenty-year-old genius looked up into her eyes. "Indeed? Like what?"

She tried to imagine a handsome face. _Who do I find appealing? _Holly thought about Trouble Kelp. While he certainly was easy on the eyes, she just didn't feel an attraction to him. Maybe it was because of his typical elfin looks- nut brown skin, auburn hair, and hazel eyes. It was a bit boring seeing the same thing on everybody.

Maybe someone like Chix? He had a blonde mop and green eyes, which was uncommon in fairies. That was different. _But he's disgusting. I would never be interested in Chix._ She discarded the idea immediately.

Suddenly, an oddly familiar face popped in her mind. Now _he _was definitely the one- midnight black locks, perfectly shaped pale features, a slight build- _Artemis!_

Holly froze. Artemis was her best friend. She couldn't think of him in that way- even though he was quite the looker at only twenty years of age. She'd die before she told him that he was her picture of attractiveness. It just wouldn't work between them, even though she wished it would.

"Blonde hair. I like blonde hair," she blurted out.

The genius raised a perfectly sculpted eyebrow. "Really? I didn't realize that you were so keen on Private Verbil's hair color."

_Shoot. _Holly almost groaned. _He's a genius. Of course he knows when I lie. Oh, Frond. Might as well stick with it._

"Just because I don't like Chix doesn't mean I don't like that hair color," The elf retorted defensively. She narrowed her eyes. "Besides, what's it to you? I thought this was for _research purposes_," Holly said, her voice dripping with sarcasm.

"I see," Artemis replied, still unconvinced, "However, you still need to give me a better description. Which eye color? Would you prefer the man to be physically fit?"

"Um…" Holly went for a fairly common color to answer his first question. "Brown eyes, I guess." The second question was easier to respond to. "And yeah, I'd want someone in shape. You know, to keep up with the heroine while saving the world," she gave him a pointed look. Artemis got the hint.

The ex-criminal smirked and leaned slightly over the desk. "I assure you, Holly, I'm not the scrawny thirteen-year-old I used to be. I am now very easily able to 'keep up' with you, as you say."

Oh, Holly knew. She could tell by the way his shirts became a bit tighter and how slight muscles appeared when he rolled his sleeves up (after five years of Angeline's pestering, he compromised and did it more frequently.) His training sessions were doing him good- Fowl wasn't quite bodybuilder level yet, but he was certainly getting better.

"I'm sure you could." Holly rolled her eyes. "Can we move on now, please?"

"Oh. Yes," Artemis shuffled his papers and leaned back in his chair. "Second question: What type of personality would you find agreeable in your supposed love interest? Be sure to elaborate: Would he be intelligent? Naïve? Humorous?"

_This one shouldn't be too hard, _Holly thought."Well, I guess I'd want him to be smart." She frowned. "Any self-respecting police girl wouldn't go running around with an imbecile."

The genius paused from his notes and looked up. "How smart?" he asked.

She shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe my level of intelligence?"

He raised an eyebrow. "Fascinating. You don't want to be dominated in brainpower."

Was he _trying_ to provoke her? Honestly, sometimes Artemis could be so juvenile. Holly huffed. _You know what they say about assuming…_

"Shut up, Fowl. You know that's not true." She folded her arms and glared at him.

He smirked. "Anything else you'd like to add?"

Holly had to resist the urge to wipe that smug smile off his face. She breathed and counted to ten. _Calm down, Holly. That will accomplish nothing. _But the truth was that she found Artemis' confidence and astuteness appealing. Although he got on her nerves, the mud man really was an amazing person. An amazing friend, and if she got her way, more.

"I don't want him to be a bore," she gritted out. "If he's going to save the world with his girl, he better have the guts to do it. No weaknesses- he should be brave and resourceful. But not so much that he interferes with my independence. I'm not a sissy either."

It was true, what she said: Holly had no patience for an innocent idiot like Orion.

"Good point," Artemis replied. He wrote a couple of notes on his pad. "Women akin to yourself are typically very feminist. I will be sure to incorporate that trait into my character."

"Great, whatever. Can we move on now?"

"Of course." Fowl cleared his throat. "Any special talents that he would have? Or anything else?"

"That's a hard one…" she pondered, swinging her feet, "It depends on the situation. If I was planning to fight a bunch of renegade goblins, a fire-proof ability would be cool. But that's not possible, or plausible. So maybe a good hand with weapons?"

"Any other ideas?"

_How about a genius intellect? Hah, I wish._

"Not that I can think of, no. I don't want him to be superhuman, you know. So are we done yet?" Holly asked.

"Yes, I suppose. You may leave now, but I would be pleased if you stayed," he replied, while shuffling his papers. The recorder sounded.

"Sorry, Arty, but I have to go. When should I expect to see your next book out? I _can't wait_ to read it," Holly said, a bit sarcastically.

Artemis raised a brow, which was the equivalent of shrugging for him. He stood up and pushed in his chair, with Holly following suit. "I do not know yet. Rest assured, I will most certainly send you a copy when it is released."

The elf grabbed her pair of DoubleDex wings. "All right, Arty, I've got to go. Foaly just sent me a report. I'll see you later, I guess?"

He gave her a little half smile. "Of course, Holly. Have a good flight," he genius said, and watched her glide out of his window.

.0.0

_Three Months later_

Holly looked curiously at the little brown package in front of the door to her flat. Exhausted from _another_ late-night crime scene investigation, all she wanted to do was plop down on her sofa and sleep. However, a bout of inquisitiveness came over her when she saw the box.

The elf picked it up. _What could this be? _A muffled thumping noise sounded when she shook it. _Whatever. I'll just open it inside._

Once Holly unlocked the door and turned on her lights, she took out a knife and cut the sim-poly tape on top of the box. Reaching inside, the Captain found a slim paperback novel. She read the title and smiled.

It was called _Never in Distress _by Violet Tsirblou.

* * *

**A/N: Yeah, I didn't like the ending. Oh well. By the way, as of now, my beta services are open! Send me a PM if you're interested. And another thing: I've been planning to end this story at ten or twelve chapters. If you've got any more ideas, please review! Thanks for reading.**


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